Glory Baby

It's been several weeks since I've made the time for this blog. The holidays came and we had Logan's family visiting and Marquessa came to visit me. It was so nice to have something normal happen. I've had moments of terrible sadness in the last few weeks. They creep up on me unexpectedly sometimes. Sometimes I feel it brewing for a few days. I have to fold my arms when they feel so empty. Even holding Jack or Caroline is not the same as filling my arms with Brooklyn.
     A couple weeks ago a friend of mine had her third baby, a boy. She posted a picture of her new family of five. They looked so happy, her baby so full of life. I was so happy for her, but then thought of our picture of our family of five. I couldn't smile in any photo during that time. I had just wanted to hide away with my baby somewhere until she woke up. I burst into tears looking at the computer. I wasn't jealous of my friend, I didn't hate her at all. I just missed my baby. My family of five that wouldn't be together for a very long time. It hurt.
     I've thought about her every single day. Time passing has been a blessing and a trial. I feel my daily routines and general carrying on with life becoming much easier, but I also feel like I am forgetting details about her. It is putting me farther away from her in some sense. At Christmas, I put up a stocking for her. I wanted to buy her presents even though I knew it wouldn't really do any good. I see things all the time that I would buy for her. For a fleeting moment I can see her wearing the Christmas dress that was on sale or the fleece sleepers. It has been healing for me to hold other babies. Marquessa let me hold Cora as much as I wanted to while she was here. Cora is such a sweet baby and only 2 months older than Brooklyn. I wanted them to be best friends like their moms are. I just hoped that she had known Brooklyn before this life and that made me feel a little closer to her when I could hold her.
     We have visited the gravesite often. Nearly every time we visit, there is a special little sign. Christmas day was windy with dark clouds. Logan and I drove out after sacrament meeting. The minute I sat down on the bench, a hole broke in the clouds and sun shone down right on us for a few minutes. We both sat and cried and listened to a few songs. I've been listening a lot to "Glory Baby" and have found comfort in those words.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

When we took Greg and Laurel to visit right after Christmas, a rainbow appeared out of no where as we left the cemetery. It was dark and cloudy again, but we all saw it appear as we drove out. I knew it was another special sign. A few weeks ago, sometime before Christmas, my mom and I went out to bring some flowers to her grave. When we opened the doors and got out of the car, lady bugs started landing on us. There were so many of them coming from this tree near the roadway. I did some research and found that ladybugs, especially when related to children, are a sign of abundant blessings. I have been seeking out the blessings of being separated from my baby. 

There are times I feel cheated of this time I should be having with her. A few of my friends had babies within the same few weeks of Brooklyn's birth, so I get to see them post pictures of them with 2 or 3 month stickers and all of the milestones they've reached. I wonder all the time what she would be doing now as my baby. By now I hope she would be smiling and laughing at us. Even seeing videos and pictures of Jack and Caroline as babies makes me a little sad to be missing my girl right now, even though I am so thankful to have had those times with two of my precious babes already. But there have also been moments when I have felt that she would be reunited with us so soon, like feeling the excitement of an upcoming vacation or special event. I know it will be made up to us. I know we will have her again. Being separated from her is hard and painful. But I think every day about how I can be good enough to honor her memory. Heavenly Father, for some reason, trusted me to remain faithful and give this baby a body, which she would only inhabit for a short time. She is a perfect spirit. And I gave her a body that will one day be perfected. 

  

A few Sundays ago, I ended up going to church alone because Logan and the kids weren't feeling well. I sat with my parents. My dad got up to help with a baby blessing, and I felt like someone put a giant hole in my chest. I wanted to be blessing my baby! I couldn't stop crying through the baby blessing and the sacrament. I had to leave. But as I sat and cried during the baby blessing, the spirit whispered to my mind, "She has been crowned with glory." My girl has already made it! I felt some comfort in the fact that she has already received much more than a baby blessing. After the sacrament, I drove out to her grave to sit by myself. I prayed and prayed that I could see her. I wanted to look up and see her spirit standing in front of me. I wanted to feel her standing by me or see her off in the distance at the cemetery. I don't know why, but I haven't been able to see her yet. I have felt her presence and the presence of other angels. I have tried to remain faithful and believing that "whatsoever ye ask in my name...I will do it." I've asked since the night she died that I could see her, even if just in a dream. That hasn't happened just yet, but I hope and anticipate that my prayer will be answered one day. 

I have also been finding a new normal. I now have a new identity to find. I'm not a teacher any more, and I don't feel that I am supposed to go back to that any time soon. I am home with Jack and Caroline. I'm working on taking care of my home, being a better housekeeper, mother, and wife. I am focusing on my health, eating better, exercising, and going easy on myself mentally. I am finding a new balance in life. We still don't have answers about what caused Brooklyn's death. My blood work indicates that I do not have diabetes or any blood clotting disorders. My vitamin D is extremely deficient, and research indicates that there is a link between that and pre-eclampsia. I am on prescription vitamin D and blood pressure medication. I am resolved to better follow the word of wisdom and eat less meat, more fruits and vegetables. I have to take care of my body, which has been pretty neglected for a long time. I want to have another baby. I am not putting any time limits or expectations on that, but I know there is at least one more pregnancy. I've jokingly (and not so jokingly) told Logan that I hope we get pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. Then we can be done! But, having come to understand that the Lord is the giver and taker of life, I will trust in his plan for our family. I will take whatever spirits he wants to send to us. I will also accept if we are not meant to have anymore children. I've had thoughts about adoption or fostering, but I know that is my grief searching for a way to fill this hole. If we are meant to adopt, it will happen. All my life I've felt like I've had to map out everything years in advance. Now I am just trying to go easy on myself, find how to help others, be better in the circumstances the Lord has put me in now. If there is something bigger I am meant to do, I will know when the time is right.